Under My Skin
by AtheneMiranda
Summary: A slightly surreal, conceptual look at the weird relationship between Duo and Heero, mainly in monologue form.
1. .1

Umm...hello?

This is my first GW fic, so be kind... It's a bit surreal/conceptual; a look at Heero's relationship with Duo, written mainly in monologue form. This is just the opening frag - more will arrive eventually. Bear in mind that it's meant to be sort-of mentally read aloud, 'cause that's the way I write things. There's a a little bit of implied 2+1 shounen-ai in here, nothing even really un-canon, but if you're THAT narrow-headed the door is thataway. **>>>**

Truly enormous thankyou to Kracken. Kracken who inspired this fic, helped me with it, encouraged it along, thought up a name for it when it went up on her ML... Everyone should read her fics - she is THE GREATEST!

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**Under My Skin**

.1

Yes, I know. I know when I should and I don't. When you expect something I won't give, or wait for something that won't come from me. Don't push it. It's not going to appear when you press all the buttons, because they just aren't plugged in. There's no response. You give me that look, or that throwaway word, or that mad tormenting half-touch to my arm and I can't do anything. I can't do what they do in all the films, a glance across a crowded room and, voila, one love affair, 'mission accomplished'. You never do anything to me except torment me, leave me hanging here not knowing what I'm supposed to do, or…feel. People like Quatre talk about 'emotions' - I don't even know what that means. I know what I think about you. I know the way my throat tingles every time I look at you. But there's nothing more. You may as well give up because I just don't _have_ any more.

I know it. I watch Trowa and Quatre sometimes, see the way they interact; they always know what to say to each other, when to smile, when to touch. I could never do that. I even saw them kiss once, at the end of a long day, mission over and bone weary, high on adrenaline and covered in sweat - they just got straight out of their Gundams and kissed, right in front of me. I turned away, I couldn't watch them, and I didn't understand. Why did they do that? I'll never know what it is that makes a man react like that; quit looking for it Duo, it isn't there.

I wish I knew what to _do_. You know what you want, always talking at me, smirking at me, toying at me. Always pushing. I can't even think about that. When Relena does it it's so easy, I can just swat her off like a buzzing insect, walking away, locking it out. I can't do that to you. You're too important to me, Duo. You're my friend. I trust you. I…need you…

You aren't like anyone else I've ever met. I don't know how to keep you away from me, and I hate myself for leading you along like this, giving you my silence, ignoring your advances, when I _have_ to tell you it'll never happen. You're looking for someone kind, someone who'll talk to you and appreciate you and return all the care you give. It's not me. I can say that to Relena. _Kuso_, I could say that to _anyone_ except you. You're - different. You're not someone who I can throw away; that's never happened to me before.

It'd've been better for you if you'd never met me. I'd've felt a lot better if I'd never met you - safer, saner, more in control - but I can't help but be glad you're here with me. You're a good pilot, yes. You can hack very well, yes. You know a lot about explosives, yes. You could do all that on the other side of the galaxy but here you can -

- tell me more with one damned _look_ than the rest of my lifelong aquaintenceship has ever said to me ever. You want me for something that isn't war or murder or solving someone's filthy problems. You tell me I'm something other than a stage prop in a mediocre tragedy, and maybe…maybe I sometimes wish it were true…

It's not. You're reaching for someone who isn't real. I've been a killer as long as I can remember, Duo, simply a machine for winning battles. I don't think past the next bullet. I don't know what else there is. All else is irrelevant; a friend is someone who assists in missions, someone I can rely on to fly at my back or draw enemy fire or similar. There's nothing for me outside that, no-one I want to speak to or look at, or to hold me or touch the warm light on my neck…

_…kuso_. There's everyone, all of them, every person I've ever known, in one column and then I have to deal with _you_. There's no rule I know for this, no equation you fit into. Maybe Quatre's babbling about sometimes having to think with your heart is true; I should be doing that, but I can't because I have no heart. I can't feel anything, and I don't know what I want. It's like I'm not really a human. If I was, if I was like Quatre or, or you or someone, I'd do something, smile back and - whatever real people do when someone hits on them.

It's as if I'm missing a perception, like being deaf, or blind; there's a whole world I can't ever be a part of. Duo, you mustn't push me; I don't want you to waste yourself. I don't want to pull you down with me, you shouldn't become something like me…

"Heero?"

"Hn?" Quatre stands before me. I didn't hear him come in. He's giving me one of those impossible expressions, pink lips parted, small face tilted, blue eyes alight with something that could be voodoo for all I'd know about it.

He steps up to me, moving carefully, and pauses. His mouth opens as if he's fishing for the right word. I wait, immobile, not thinking of anything. There's no point imagining what he could be thinking; he is a language I can't comprehend.

"Heero…" He touches my hand with the warm tips of his fingers. "You - you only need to try, you know."

He shuffles backwards towards the door, then leaves me alone again.

There's a heavy lump in my throat…

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	2. .2

**A.N.:** Thanks for the encouragement, Keiko-chan... more of the same would be nice! This bit gets surrealer - maybe it's real, maybe it's figurative, it's up to the reader to decide because I just put what they told me to put! Definite 1+2 shounen-ai in here. And if the boys were mine, there would be no Relena-beast, so I think that means that they're someone else's property...but I do claim this fic as my own work. Hn.

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**.2**

"What is it you want?"

You trail off, halt in your frantic orbit around my body, let your waggling little arms slowly drift down to your waist. I glare enough to scare you, or at least temporarily startle you out of your idiocy. Enough to convince you I meant the question, anyway.

Or maybe not. "Gee, Heero, I was just, you know, letting off a bit of steam -"

I grab you by the shoulders and pull you up to meet my gaze. "What is it you _want_, baka?" My eyes narrow, but yours widen and you wriggle convulsively in my grip, squirming around like a cobra.

You escape me and back up a step, and a hard slant sets on your face. "That - hurt!" Are you angry with me, or just upset? I can't tell, and I don't care either! I want an answer.

"Tell me," I grate.

You shift, twitching sore shoulders round in circles. "You getting all philosophical on me, man?"

What's the use? I slam down onto the sofa, feeling the edge of a headache crawling in at the back of my skull. I can't understand you, and you don't understand me, so why can't I just ignore you? I ought to ignore you…No, don't, Duo. It's no good perching next to me, or grabbing my hand like that. It doesn't change anything; you'll never get what you want because it isn't _there_. I pull the hand back and study your little creased-up brow, the smooth skin on your cheeks, the purple light in the depths of your eyes… you don't know, do you? I like looking at you. There's nothing in the world I'd rather look at, but it doesn't mean anything to me! It wouldn't mean anything if you were as beautiful as, as, _kuso_ I can't think of any beautiful things except you…

"Hey." Your voice is soft now. That - it's gentle, kind, you - "I only want to talk to you, Heero."

Really? What do you want to do that for? _Why can't I make you stop?_ "Hn," I reply, staring coldly at my own knees. Trying to feel _something_… I'm tingling all over now, the entire left side of my body reverberating in the electric sensation that only comes from being this close to you. Will it still be there if I close my eyes?

Yes, it's _worse_, now it's creeping under my skin. No. Away. I don't _want_ this… Get off my hand. Get off me, you know I never said you could do that and I - can't - move - away… 

"You don't want to talk to me? Is that it?"

…talk to you? When did I ever talk to you? Stop doing that to my fingers… no, you always talk to me, like you come to me, like you look at me, like you _touch_ me - no - "_When did I ever do anything to you?_" _Kuso_, I didn't mean to say that aloud! Get out of my thoughts, Duo, I never invited you in!

"You looked at me just now. You do that a lot, and you never do it to anyone else." There's no need to sound so _happy_ about it, it means _nothing_, do you understand that, nothing! Nothing… "Why, Heero?" My eyes, what's happened to my eyes? I can't see anything. "Now you tell _me_, why?"

"I - I don't know!" There's fire curling on the top of my hand. What are you doing to me?

"You don't know? C'mon, I bet you do, tell me!" Not my arm! That's worse, it's burning me. I have to move, I have to. I force myself to jerk my shoulder - no, that's not right! I didn't mean to touch you braid like that, will you stop your damned chuckling because it doesn't mean anything…

"I knew it! You did know why! Hey, if you're doing that then I can do it too, right?" A ragged breath hisses out of my throat; white light cascades across my vision as your hand ruffles up my hair. I can't think I can't think I can't think, you're too close to my mind damn you, _let go of me damn you_…

Thank you. I can breathe now. It's gone dark again, I need to open up my eyes.

Heero?" Don't say my name like that! Please, it hurts, you make it sound so special and musical and it's not supposed to be like that at all! "Do you… You like me, don't you?"

My eyes snap open at long last; you're there in front of me, filling my vision now as well as my mind. You kneel on the floor, knees splayed and arms trailing, gazing up at me beseechingly as if you're awaiting an oracle. What…? I can't say anything, I don't know what you mean, what I'm meant to say to you, I don't know what I want you to mean to me…

"'Cause I…I like you, you know that?" Don't - you can't - let go of my knee! I can't - I need more control than this - you're killing me -

"H - hnn," I manage, willing your hand still, not wanting you to slide it up any further - _please_.

"And…if you didn't like me, I think you'd have killed me four times already this morning, right? Tell me I'm right, Heero. I want to be right. Will you let me be right, Heero?" Don't say it like that! Don't croon my name out like a prayer, Duo, it's not right, just say it or spit it or snap it out like it should be, don't use my name like it means something… "I liked you when we met, you know. I made a mistake then, I should have let you shoot Relena, but how could I know she was going to be a bitch? But I know you don't like _her_. You're always kicking her off you. But I figured you liked me when you never did that to me…Heero." I'm sorry Duo I couldn't I couldn't do it I meant to tell you but I couldn't why couldn't I just make you go away I want you to like me I shouldn't I mustn't -

"Heero." Now I'm sinking, I'm falling into your eyes and your hand's nearly touching my - "Heero, I want you to say something other than 'hn' this time…please…" Your hand moves upward and I finally slip over the edge.

Eyes. Huge violet eyes and fire pouring out of them, boiling over me and rolling off like a wave…heat and ice and a hole inside me…where is it all coming from where is it going…it's seeping in…I'm falling, falling, I'm swimming closer to the light every second…the edge, I need to hold on to the edge…

_"You - you only need to try, you know."_

You…

The first touch feels like salvation.

"ie!," you squeak, or something similar, and the second touch feels like invasion, hot and damp and tasting of rainwater, you, _you_… Are you always so soft, did I not see this when I looked at you, did you always have such smooth hair or is it just for me? Did you know your nose fit so well next to mine, is that why you wanted this, is everything about you as perfect as that or am I dreaming your lips and your hands on my neck… Duo…

No, don't pull away, I can't bear it… "Fuck, Heero." What is it about your voice today? It sounds like it's only for me to hear, so low and dark and warm… "Do you do that to everyone you like, or is it just for me?" You're breathing too fast and I like it that way…

"It's for you," I whisper. I want to hold you, I think, I want your fire to encircle me completely. Will you hold me if I hold you? I - I need to try that, don't I…?

"Hey." You're like a flame, light and fiery and soft as shadow, arms curling round me and eyes cutting into me like talons. "You're warmer than I thought you'd be, you know." So carefree…so alive I almost don't feel dead right now. Is this real? Is it a dream of the night, or another of your mad pranks? Can I really be feeling like this…?

I sway back and look at you again, taking in the glow in your eyes. "Duo," I whisper, rolling your name around my mouth, trying to decipher what it means to me. "What is this?" 

"It's me, Heero. Me and you." You're smiling again, when did you stop smiling? I know you weren't smiling when we -

"Duo." Yes, please, keep smiling, I don't know what to do if you don't. "Tell me."

"Tell you what?" You're looking right through me now, making my mind throb in strangely welcome torment. How will I ever keep your eyes on me when I have nothing to offer you in return?

"Why?" I can't see what you're seeing, I need to know why not… "Why is it all so easy for you? I have to know."

The sofa shakes as you fall beside me, rocking in time to your soft laughter. "Because I want it to be, why else? It's not like the world's any better for me than for you. I just ride it all, you know?"

"No. I don't know." Our hands touch again, and I feel you flow into me, relighting whatever part of me it is that responds to you, pulling you deeper into my mind. "Tell me, please."

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	3. .3

**A.N.:** Okaaay, time for a Duo POV bit. Back to pure monologue again. Did he really say this? Up to you, the reader, to decide what's real and what's just a metaphor... One thing I will say to you, though; writing this was _fun_, and _very easy_. Duo is a complete gift as a character, writes all his own lines - I just took notes for this. So try Duo monologue sometime, please, it's so much fun you won't believe...!

Thanks oh so much for all the kind reviews. I write because, well, _because_, but it's really sweet to know that I make other people happy on the way.  I love you all!

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**.3**

You got me wrong. Don't feel bad about it, everyone else does it too. See the grin, hear the cackle, yeah, go draw your conclusions from all that. Did you forget that I call me Shinigami? Wasn't it even a slight clue? Pilots aren't happy people, Heero. Ever. But I am, so how about you go and work that one out?

I guess everyone's complicated, not just me. But I flaunt it - all of it. I take my extremes and parade them all over my face, my name, my body - but I think everyone's like that inside. Difference is, I'm not scared of myself.

Trowa, now, he's a tough one. He never speaks above a whisper, but put him on a stage and he just flies. There's way more to that than he ever lets on. I wonder what he's scared of, sometimes; is that maestro swathed in coloured silk the real him, that he can only let out when he's acting? It's not logical, but people never are. Why doesn't he just tell us anyway? - does he thinks we won't like him or what? I don't relate to that, I like everyone and, well, they either like me or they don't and I like me and that's the main thing, isn't it? If you're happy with who you are, it doesn't matter much about anything else. Are you? I really wonder sometimes; you never seem to be happy, but you don't go off striving for more like Wu Fei's always doing.

Wu Fei? Oh yeah, I like him, I do like him, but he drives me nuts sometimes. I think it's all that meditating shit - all the cross-your-legs-and-think-yourself-perfect stuff, it pisses me off 'cause…well, I just don't agree with it. Who's perfect? Everyone's great, and everyone's different (I think that's what makes them great, personally) so what's 'perfect' going to be? Like he's trying to climb inside a giant jelly-mould and fill it - I just want to shake him and say "Look, Wu Fei, you're a great guy - why the hell are you trying to change that?" That's, like, totally stupid. He definitely isn't happy with himself. I wonder why not? He's cool, really smart and mouthy. I love his attitude; if I wasn't me I could be like that. I guess it's not my business about the monk stuff, it's what he wants to do, and I'll just have to…hm…carry on ribbing him about it, what's wrong with a bit of fun?

Quatre's completely the opposite of that. I think he can't take it that he has two sides to himself so tried to hide one. It's not right, lying to yourself like that, pretending you're never angry because you don't like what happens when you are, but I can understand why. I guess a sweet kid like him'd find it hard to handle the fact that he has serious homicidal tendencies, but he'd be better off if he could. He's not happy. He shouldn't be a Gundam pilot, really - he ought to be a regular boy, I think he'd be happy if he didn't have to kill people. Thing is, he's good. That makes a lot of things harder for him. Not a lot of people are good, which is why we have to fight this stupid war in the first place.

I don't really care that much either way. Why not have a war? If you look back, you know, history like, you'll see lots of people have been in wars, and lots of people have died in wars, but I'm still alive so I'm already doing better than all those other folks. Things happen. If I was in charge I wouldn't have decided to have a war, I guess, but someone did so I've got to go out and win it. Deal. Who cares if it's 'wrong' to fight? I know you don't. I…I guess I do care, but I can't change it, so I'd better just skip my deadly way through it all…

Yeah, I guess I could just fall back on God, couldn't I, but I think that's unfair. Do you believe in God? Nah, should've known…I'm not sure why I do. I just like to feel that someone else knows what it's like. I talk to Him sometimes, I think Quatre does too but he's all pious so does it facing the right way and all, I've never cared about that stuff. Anyway, I don't think God makes wars, He just put us people here and lets us thrash the rest out ourselves. I've not had an easy ride, Heero, but I can't blame God for that, can I? Growing up at Maxwell Church and all, I'd rather thank Him I'm still here. But…I know He won't catch me if I fall. I'm not going to pray not to die or anything. And the day something goes wrong, the only god I'm gonna have grab onto me is Shinigami.

Shinigami. It's who I am, right? I chose that name for, well, too many reasons. Mainly out of honesty; I was sick of people thinking I was just a cheerful little soul, so I thought I should wear something to tell them I'm a paid murderer too. Oooh, raised eyebrows! I thought _you'd_ figured out what we do for a living - oh, I get it, you thought I couldn't deal with it, right? No, I told you, I know I'm Shinigami. God of Death, et cetera, I never lied about that one either. I want revenge, pure and simple. If there wasn't a war I'd probably be doing this anyway. Oh, I know what you're thinking, but it's not like that at all - I really can smile, and laugh, and swagger my legs off and still want certain people very painfully dead, at my hand for preference, and I'm as sane as the next guy (or saner if it's Wu Fei, but we won't go into that…). Hahahaha, that's okay, because I don't understand me either. Why try to? I know who I am and I love it, and I'm not ashamed of any of it, even the bits that make no sense at all.

You know what really, totally does not make sense? I love you. Yeah, seriously. Don't look so guilty about it, it's all my own fault I assure you, and I do not know how that happened at all. You're pretty, yeah - in fact, you're beautiful, especially when you're thinking about something important, you look so young and innocent like that… But there's lots of good-looking guys out there, and it was you I fell for, not anybody else. Maybe it started off as simple fascination before it got to be more serious (or before I realised it was more serious, it feels sometimes like I've felt this way forever). I couldn't work you out the way I can usually work people out. You aren't - I don't know, you just don't fit the picture. You're cold, real cold, but…it's not the usual kind of cold. You're not malicious like all the other cold guys I know…you just do what you got to. Even Wu Fei's malicious sometimes - no disrespect to him, I guess if you're pushing for Shangri-La or whatever you're allowed to shit on people every so often - but you're just…empty. You never let on about what you're feeling, you make out like you aren't feeling _anything_, and I don't know what to make of that at all. I don't know how you do it, for one thing; I can't feel anything without wanting to scream it out. Maybe you really _don't_ feel anything…that's too scary, I won't believe it! I _live_ for my feelings, the thrills, the fun, even the lows and the pain - it's all sensation, all intensity, and I want to feel all of it. I'm not going to lie and pretend that life is only the good bits; I'm just going to ride the storm and enjoy every second I'm alive. I could die any day, so what else should I do? And when I look at your cold, empty face, Heero Yuy, I so want to take you with me. I want to show you just how good life can get. I want to prove to you how wonderful you really are, because I know you don't see it yourself…

Don't, please. Don't turn away from me. Or do you really think you don't want to be alive? You do, believe me. You need to come with me, Heero, I have a lot to show you, and if you're scared of it so much…you know I'll be there to hold your hand. No. Not 'hn', I already told you to cut that out. Try something more, tell me what you're thinking in there for once. Who was it who told you that you weren't allowed to feel? I'll add them to my list…oh, freeze the shot! You nearly smiled then! Can you feel it now? I love you, see, and maybe no-one's loved you before, so I think now would be a good time to start feeling something. I'm not going to deny it, whatever it is. If you hated me, I'd let you. Anything that comes from inside you is good and right, Heero, don't you believe that? I believe it. Now talk to me. Tell me anything. I'm going to listen to it whatever it is. Come on. Come on. I know there's something in there…

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